based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
