Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
