The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
