If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
