I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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