checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize
