im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
When did we convert life to cartoon?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
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