I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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