so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Found the puke drawer
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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