Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize