I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
