you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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