watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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