Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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