fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
