Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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