"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize