I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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