He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Is Oprah even human
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
