dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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