so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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