Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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