so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize