My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
