i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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