Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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