I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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