Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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