you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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