Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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