I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
