Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
