I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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