apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
