Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
it's like heaven, but drunker
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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