Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
