i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
