I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
