Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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