you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
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