dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
