he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
