You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
