The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize