So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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