The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
