I need to stop coming to work sober
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
