i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
