saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
