Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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