I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
