I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
