I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sober January is a disaster.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
