I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
