Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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