I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
