Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
