I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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