I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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