hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
