I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
People with herpes should wear stickers.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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